I’m gonna walk that man right outta my hair

I woke up this morning and my mind was going round and round in circles.

So much has happened in the last couple of weeks and I’ve never felt such a lack of control. After being the person responsible for everything – from the home, to bills, to cooking and cleaning – I’m suddenly living in someone else’s home, with them making sure I eat and keep myself together.

I’m so incredibly grateful to my family and friends who have all rallied round to offer support but this morning I needed to take back some control. So I started walking…

and walking…

and walking!!!

I started walking along the beach in the village that I’m staying and suddenly realised that I could just keep going. After about an hour my head started to clear. I started to think about what I wanted and felt freer than I have in a long time.

I decided I wanted Chinese for Supper – so walked until I reached a big supermarket. I got all the items I wanted and then carried on walking.

I walked past people walking dogs, flying kites, playing football, being together, being alive

And I realised that for the last few years I haven’t been living – I’ve been existing.

I walked until I needed to stop. I passed an amazing stream – that empties into the sea – and just stared at it for half an hour. As I began to unwind, watching the water babbling towards the sea, in that moment something changed.

I realised that, just like I couldn’t stop the stream from flowing into the sea I cant make my ex better. I cant make things right for him and that’s not my fault. More importantly I realised that existing isn’t enough. I want to live.

I decided I needed to sit down so I found a bench and grabbed some water – and then the most magical thing happened.

I got a phone call from my oldest friend who I lost touch with over the years for one reason or another. She had no idea what was going on but was calling to tell me that she was getting married…

And she wanted me to give her away.

So many emotions went through my mind at that point. I was honoured that after all this time she wanted me to be part of her big day, I was overwhelmed with joy that the two of them felt and most importantly I realised I still had friends – and that its never too late to reconnect.

That evening, after walking 14km and having a wonderful Chinese meal with my mum, I got another call from the girls. And for a couple of hours through the connection they held me, they lifted me up and they showed me a future I didn’t think was possible.