Some days I feel like screaming

Hubby and I were together for over 16 years.

He was my best friend, my happiness, the place I called home.

Yesterday he sent a sweet message to my auntie and I dared to believe that maybe, just maybe, he was coming out of the other side of whatever has been eating away at him. (because trust me, mental health is a ravenous monster)

Today I heard from someone that cares that he still isn’t in a good place. He isn’t taking care of himself (he has had the gas turned off because of a suspected gas leak and so hasnt had a bath in days) and is too scared to leave the house (in case I come in and take it from him).

He has told them that a “mutual friend” has told him that I am being horrible about him on Facebook. I had to block him on FB as he was continuously messaging me but have purposely NOT posted anything other than a vague heartbroken post on FB for several reasons….

Firstly – I know its the only medium hubby and I share and it would be insensitive of me to plaster my feelings on a site that I know would get back to him. Its the reason I have created this blog as a way to vent my feelings.

Secondly – I don’t have any ill feeling towards him. I feel nothing but pain that I wasn’t able to help him get better and I wouldn’t want to do anything to make his pain any worse than it already is.

And lastly- I know that he is ill. I know its impossible for him to understand that I bear him nothing but love. I know this love has changed and I wont diminish from the fact that for me the damage has been too much and so I could not foresee a situation when we could be together again, but I will never truly stop loving him.

So why do I feel like screaming?

I realise that I dared to hope. Dared to think that he was going to be ok. Dared to think that we could come together and amicably discuss unpicking our lives and starting again as individuals.

But this damn greedy illness has robbed me of that. He isnt OK and Im not OK and whist divorce is never an easy thing I feel physically sick at the thought of trying to take the next steps to safely go through this process.

I’m supposed to ring the police to arrange to get escorted into our home to get some items I need to carry on – I need some medication, some clothes and some essentials and I have been putting that off because I then have to admit that I have given up, that this is truly over

And that thought is making me want to scream.