Yesterday I had a breakdown on a golf course

I realise that sounds about the most middleclass thing I’ve ever done but I assure you all is not as it seems.

Yesterday I spent the day revisiting my 20s by taking a trip to Bournemouth. I walked around all day, seeing the club I used to work at, the places I used to live, sitting in the park and even a spot of emergency retail therapy (2 very reduced tops from TK Max)

I started to unwind, and actually enjoyed the day – the weather was incredible and the minutes silence for Phillip was touching in the midst of all those people enjoying all that Bournemouth has to offer when the weather is good.

So why the breakdown?

I headed home early – with the intention of surprising my mum – and even got organised and booked a cab to pick me up 10 minutes after the train was due. The train arrived on time so I hung around at the taxi rank…

and hung, and hung!! 20 minutes later and a cab pulled up…

And then swiftly pulled out again.

20 minutes later and the same again with a different cab. This time I asked the guy if he was for me and he said no and pulled off.

I had an “angryman” moment and started walking to mums – in a village about 5km away.

About 1km down the road the pavement ended and I started walking in the road. It worried me so when I saw a public footpath sign into the local golfcourse I took it.

As I walked over the course I started thinking. what was the point? I’m 50, I cant drive, I’m living in a village with no reliable cab service, Im effectively homeless and I miss my ex.

I started thinking ‘what is the point of my existence if I’m not caring for my ex?’ ‘why am I here?’ ‘who do I help?’ ‘Who even am I?’ Its the closest I’ve felt to being suicidal in all of this (I’m NOT btw, I just feel totally useless at the moment).

I started to cry!!

and cry

and sob

and cry

And just when my heart was truly breaking – My ex called.

“Do you even like me?” was all he said

I hung up.

Here I was thinking about ending it all (I was near the cliff and actually thought about jumping off) and then the reason I was feeling like this was calling!!

He called again – and I hung up again and then he left a voicemail.

The thing is – he thinks I’ve got this fabulous life without him, living with my ex (I’m obviously not but when has mental health listened to truth) I’m partying and making him lock himself in the house.

So the voice message he left was just more of that! He thinks all of our relationship has been false, that I was only in it to get the house, and that I’ve never loved him. The truth is, I will never stop loving him.

So I sobbed, and I sobbed, and people looked at me as they were walking their dogs as if I was mad – but I didn’t care. You see I cant fully feel useless at Mums as I don’t want to stress her out, She’s old and not very well. So I stood there in the middle of a posh gold course at 6pm with hardly anyone around and I just let it all out.

And then I carried on walking, walking all the way back to my mums.

And at the end of it all I had walked 40,000 steps or 28km and I’d lost 5lb

So it turns out that Im not totally useless after all.