Accepting I cant fix this

It’s been over a month since I had to leave my home (and hubby) and until yesterday I still hadn’t been able to get any belongings from the house.

The Police needed to come with me to the house and as I’m not staying in the area currently its been a logistical nightmare. On Sunday I called the police to tell them I was back in Brighton but 2 days later and still no joy – its not always easy for them as they are so busy.

Then a breakthrough – after a couple of days of waiting Darren had accepted to allow our neighbour to collect some things and bring them to me.

So I cancelled the police

And then he changed his mind!!

This has set the pattern of my week. It was the perfect storm of trying to liaise with victim support, the police, our neighbour and the mental health team. It was hell and then yesterday the police called to ask me to meet them at our House at 13.00.

I arrived and although nervous the policewoman was amazing. They had tried to call hubby before we went in but hadnt got through. When we got there they talked to him, explained that we had to come in and, even though he didnt want to, he allowed us in.

And my heart broke all over again.

The dogs were excited to see me but I couldn’t focus on them. If I did I would have crumbled into a heap. My little Benji was so excited to see me and ran around like a mad thing – but I knew if I picked him up or showed him any affection I would be lost and wouldn’t be able to put him down. My life isn’t suitable for a dog right now – I’m staying in lost of places and it wouldn’t be fair.

The house is a shell. Its not the same as when I lived there. It’s a mess. Some of it is hubby’s mental health and some of it is exposed pipework trying to fix a gas leak.

Hubby has changed the locks. He isn’t allowed to do this so that’s just one more thing to sort out but it all made me feel really sad. His mental health is so bad right now that he thinks I’m trying to do harm to him. He was obviously uncomfortable with us in the house and I couldnt look at him – it was heartbreaking.

As I packed clothes, shoes and medication – just the essentials as I had been warned by the police only to take things that are non contestably mine- Hubby said “you should take the food blender as I wont use it” it was surreal and an indication that my Hubby is in there somewhere.

As I sit here typing this its the most overwhelmingly awful feeling. I realise how lonely he must feel. We did everything together and I took care of the house and made sure stuff got done.

He just looks lost in the home we made together. It would be really easy for me to forget the tough times, to forget the fact that he assaulted me and threw me out of the house, and want to make things right for him. I look at the fact that he hasnt got gas at the moment, that he isnt looking after himself and that the house needs sorting out and my inner fixer wants to go in there and make things better for him.

This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. Everything in me is screaming – give him one more chance, He can get better, I can make him better, I can make this work!

But then I remember…

I cant!