Trying to move on…

I’m sitting here in my Mum’s living room, reeling from a particularly uninspiring end to the fabulous latest series of Line of Duty, whilst contemplating my next move.

I realise that, in my mind at least, the relationship I had relied on for so long with my ex is over. I know that I need to start making plans and I want to try and salvage something from the last 16 years – other than the pile of clothes I left with. I want to try and move forward.

Now in usual circumstances this would be relatively straightforward. We would argue, we would blame, and we would finally agree to splitting our lives – from the physical assets to the emotional ones.

There would be a process of healing and there would be a time for us to try to rebuild a relationship of sorts out the other side. Im not talking about getting back together – but I am talking about recognising that we were in each others lives for 16 years.

But when one of you has mental health problems this isn’t so easily achieved.

You see my ex thinks I’m trying to kill him. I say thinks rather than thought because its become apparent that whilst I haven’t been in his life for 6 weeks now – at the advice of police, social services and mental health teams I have had no contact – he still thinks I am trying to get to him (so far Ive heard about me allegedly messing with both the gas and our campervan).

So In the midst of this madness I have to be the rational one and have started making plans…

I am looking for somewhere else to live and I’ve decided that for now at least that wont be in the town I’ve come to call home. I tried to find somewhere to rent locally but its very difficult in the current climate so have had to rethink that. I have looked at lots of options and my family and friends have been great in helping me make rational choices when to be honest I’m not thinking rationally. My Mum is also not getting any younger so being closer to her and the rest of my family will be important for us.

I’ve started making lists of the things I will need from the house – whilst at the same time making sure my ex has enough to NOT affect his quality of life. I was hit with the irony of the kind hearted Victim support person, who didn’t really know me then, suggesting that the police accompany me to “collect my stuff”. I had to explain that we had been together for 16 years and are both hoarders. There is a LOT to sort out. Fortunately that does mean that we have enough to share fairly but unfortunately with the state of my ex’s mental health right now Im not sure how easy that will be.

I’ve had to make a difficult decision about Benji, our chihuahua. We have three dogs and Benji is the only one that really bonded with me. It has killed me NOT having him with me but I have to be honest that, even when I do get my own home, the fact that I will be spending part of the week staying in Brighton and part elsewhere doesn’t really make looking after him possible. It would also mean splitting him from his family and I don’t think it would be fair to him.

And finally I’ve started thinking about a life without my ex. This took longer than you would think. Every day I get reminded of things that were good about our relationship. Unfortunately when I remember these I realise now that they are usually life BMH – BEFORE Mental health took over. Im so used to discussing decisions together, and organising us both, that thinking about doing this all on my own is daunting.

Daunting, but not impossible.

Some truths that I’ve worked out over this are that, despite what my ex has had me believing, Im not a failure, I’m not weak and Im certainly NOT the bad person he thinks me to be. I have a long way to go but…

In terms of weak – I am stronger than I thought. Ive finally had the courage after going through years of this to say enough is enough. I will get through this and it wont break me.

In terms of failure – I have been able to work out a plan to get past this awful time and hopefully make sure my ex is supported too so I’m going to count that as success.

Lastly in terms of being a bad person – I am doing this to make sure that we are both OK going forward and that my ex is supported – so that cant be bad, can it?