Fake it till you Make it

This week I’ve been spoiled rotten by an old Friend.

It’s her birthday and she invited me along to her birthday shenanigans on the Isle of Wight. Think 4 days in a lodge, with 5 fabulous girls and a hot tub. What could Possibly go wrong!!

So why then did I have so much anxiety about going? I spent the week before trying to think up of excuses that would mean I could get out of going, without offending my friend of many years who wants to help make things better for me.

The night before we were due to meet up I spent the night at my brothers house with his family. I had the most wonderful time and got to know my nephews and I realised how much I had missed over the years. I also started to question why I felt like I didn’t deserve to go away and why I had missed so much over the years – and the answer was mostly down to my relationship with my ex.

Some of it is down to the fact that I didnt think I was worth things – and thats not all down to him. I did however always put his needs ahead of my own. I looked back at our relationship and started to remember…

I remember countless nights that I have been out with work and had to come home early as he wasnt comfortable with me being out or having to make excuses not to go to things as it was too difficult to arrange.

I remember being given driving lessons for a birthday and taking them all, but when it came time for me to continue my ex became too ill and I had to give them up.

I remember when my friend and I were due to spend a mates holiday in Orlando. I remember how stressed my ex got as we got closer to the date that we were due to go. I remember how much emotional blackmail I experienced. I remember feeling nothing but relief that she became too ill to go on the holiday and we could claim the money back.

So back to the present and on the morning we were due to meet, the girls (who were en-route) went quiet. I found myself secretly hoping that they had decided not to come, that I could just spend some time with my bro and his family and then hightail it back to mums to hide some more. And then I realised that despite the huge change thats happened in my life, I was still acting the same way.

I gave myself a stiff talking to!! I realised that I really wanted to smile and laugh. I really wanted to have fun and I didn’t need to feel guilty about it. I realised that I didn’t have to be ready for this. I didn’t have to enjoy myself. I just had to seem like I was enjoying myself.

So I took control of my anxiety and plastered a fun face on and I prepared to meet up with the girls. We grabbed the ferry and we laughed. We arrived in the Isle of Wight and we laughed. We got smashed and we laughed, we jumped in the hot tub and we laughed.

Well you get the gist. We stayed in the most fabulous lodge on a resort. We laughed. We were silly. We ate too much and we drank too much and we had fun!! And somewhere along the way, about 2 bottles of fizz into our 2nd nights hot tub, I realised that I had stopped faking it.

So my advise to anyone going through tough times is to accept the things you cannot change and fake it till you make it!!