Grieving

Grief really does come in waves.

It feels silly talking about grieving an ex when so many people at the moment are dealing with the death of loved ones on an epic scale. Grief has become so real for so many people that when I think about what I’m going through it is no comparison.

And yet here I am grieving.

Yesterday, just after finishing interviewing a candidate, I sat at my desk and burst into tears. Im not even sure what started it. I think it was something funny the candidate said, that previously I would have shared with my ex, that set me off. I started messaging my friends, trying to keep things light but really dying inside.

Thankfully one of my mates called as soon as they got my message. And they listened. They didn’t offer advice, they just listened and let me get it all out. The loss of an anticipated future, the exhaustion of having to start again without my ex, the struggle with getting up every day, and the overwhelming sense of missing my best friend.

When people talk about a broken heart I always assumed that was something they felt in their head. I didn’t realise it is a physical pain. I literally get pains in my chest when its bad. Not heart attack pains but a searing ache that wont go away. It doesn’t last, and I have moments when I feel like I’m getting back on track and then WHAM – another wave!!

Last night I left work and met up with another mate who thankfully distracted me with laughter and booze. I went out out for the first time since we could drink indoors and spent a couple of hours forgetting everything. I actually got back to the place I was staying totally distracted and quite tiddly – so slid into bed and tried to sleep.

And then it hit me, another wave!! My ex would have loved this. I wonder if hes ok? I hope he is being looked after! all went through my head, so I cried myself to sleep.

I guess what Im trying to say is Grief is part of this process. I know what’s happening. I don’t have to like it but it will get better. I will learn to live without my ex and I will build a life for myself. But as long as I am going through this I am lucky that I have a great support network of family and friends who will lift me up until I can do it myself.

If you experience grief as a result of a break up – don’t ever be afraid to reach out to someone. Grief is perfectly normal and avoiding it wont fix anything.

Talking about it might.