Is there still life in the old dog?

This week has been full on

I was back at work after an amazing mini break, finally getting things organised in the office and for the first time felt more in control of things. I have also been making progress with getting my new home.

I went to see the flat on Friday and fell in love with it all over again. It has a lot of work to do but a lot of potential so I can actually see me making a home here!! Mum and I measured up and have started to look at things like curtains and blinds and Ive been making lists of the things I want from my old home and things Im going to have to get.

Making those lists got me down a little. Not because Im worried about having to split things (I think ive mentioned before that we had a LOT of stuff) but that it reminded me of the ending that Im coming up to.

I’ve had to start the process of finding a divorce lawyer. I feel like a real failure here as I did mean it when I said till death do us part. But I have to admit that there is no coming back from this for me and so I have to face the inevitable heart break that is going to come from that (for me at least).

I heard that my ex is definitely moving on. He is out every day and has been onto a dating site. Im not sure I wanted to find those things out but it does put it into context for me. I have spent so much time working out whats best for him and worrying about how this is impacting him (based on how badly I feel) and it turns out that he is much more pragmatic than me 🙂

And that got me thinking about dating…

I know dating isn’t right for me right now but at some point Im going to have to think about what happens when I do meet someone. Ive started some counselling to address how Im feeling and Im starting to think about getting myself in better shape physically.

I have real issues with the surgery I had that I didn’t have before. Before I had life saving surgery to feel healthy and didn’t really care what my body looked like as my ex loved me either way. NOW I’m thinking about how I explain to people about being a little saggy and thats a different ball game.

I know that not everyone is focussed on the physical but I also know that large parts of the gay community are very focussed on body beautiful – and I think the nicest thing I can say about my body is that its lived a life!!

I also have to face the fact that Im 50 and dating when you are this age is very different to dating in my 20s and early 30s (the last time i was on the market!!) So Im taking things really slowly. Im certainly NOT taking signing up to any apps seriously right now,.

I am starting to chat with some people I’ve met on various platforms as friends as well as meeting some people through friends. I think for now friends is the best I can hope for as I don’t think emotionally or physically Im ready for anything else.

I have shocked myself that I have lots more confidence when chatting to people now. Thats not something Ive ever thought of myself as being so perhaps dating at this age – with a LOT more confidence (if not exactly body confidence) than I had in my earlier days – will be a different experience.

The only person I can thank for that confidence is my ex – so actually things cant have been all bad – and that is a good memory!!