Its complicated…

The last few weeks has been a whirlwind with hot neighbour and on some levels everything has been incredible.

We have had so much fun, explored our local area together on our bikes, spent time getting to know each other (and still like what we are finding out) and having lots of deep and meaningful conversations over meals and evenings shared together.

But (and this is a big but) we still havent had sex.

Its not all me. He is scared as he is developing feelings for me and is determined not to be hurt again. I am equally nervous for very different reasons. we actually talked about it yesterday and I think he is scared of losing what we have if the sex doesnt work out. I am scared of him seeing me naked and of having sex with this new body of mine and the thought of him finding me disgusting.

What this means is a perfect storm of insecurities. I almost got to the point that I called everything off and said the old clichés of ‘lets just be friends’ and ‘its not me its you’. I went round there the other night with every intention of doing that, But then there he was, all cute (he always makes an effort even when he says he hasn’t) cooking me dinner and things were so easy and I couldn’t do it.

This is one example of something we have both talked about – self sabotaging. This suggests that we both think there is something there to sabotage which in itself is scary as all hell.

The frustrating thing is, during drunken evenings, we have talked about the future. Not in the “lets get married” kinda way but just hopes and dreams and it feels at those times like we are very much thinking similar things. Then the cold light of day dawns and I think panic sets in.

It’s more than panic though. I think it truly is fear and I know how damaging fear can be. Fear kept me trapped in a hellish marriage for way longer than it should have. Fear made me accept things that I really shouldn’t have and fear is whats now making me doubt what has the potential to be something special.

Ive been honest with him that I didn’t want to feel anything for anyone. He is 5 years down the line from a difficult relationship and hasn’t connected with anyone in this way since – so was obviously hurt really badly. I’m sure I don’t ever want to hurt him. But we also know what I’ve been through and I don’t want to be there again either.

When I went into this it was with every intention of having some fun. I never dreamed that this would develop into something more. When we addressed the lack of sex hot neighbour admitted that he wanted to get to know me which was sweet. But in subsequent conversations he talked about his fears and that’s got into his head and its there and there is nothing I can do about.

Ive also got my history to think about. I don’t want to be in a sexless relationship (been there) or in an open relationship (done that) and Ive been honest with him about that and that must also be freaking him out (it certainly is me!) . The problem with that statement is that it’s suggesting that this is turning into something that I didn’t think it would be – a relationship – and thats also scary as all hell.

So here we are. Dating is complicated, even when there are only 2 of you and you actually really like each other. I read back my last post from a couple of weeks ago and realised what I wanted out of this was to enjoy the moment. I think the challenge is that we are starting to think past that moment and its scaring both of us.