Let’s talk about sex, baby

I’ve been having some counselling over the last few months and we have been working through some stuff.

We’ve been discussing what it means to be single, having an individual identity and more specifically my sexual identity. After so long in one relationship I find it really hard to think of myself as being sexual but as I come to terms with my reawakening sexuality Im starting to realise that what I want out of sex has also changed.

As part of a couple we had a shorthand when it came to sex and both had defined roles. As in all relationships this developed over time and suffered when times got tough. But now Im here. Im single and I realise that there is no rulebook, there is no shorthand and thats both frightening and exhilarating.

I’ve also got to face facts that I have a completely new body to work with here. The last time I had sex with anyone other than my ex I was a completely different size and shape.

I will admit that I was fetishised for my size which made attracting men easier but also meant that I attracted a certain type. One of the things that drew me to my ex was that he wasn’t attracted to my size, but my personality, and so now I’m single again it is hard to consider what it is about me that would attract someone.

Dating has changed dramatically since I’ve been under a rock.

I met my ex in a bar, and began a traditional courtship of getting wrecked, snogging and then meeting a couple of days later and doing it all again!

These days it’s all about the apps, and I’ll be honest that I downloaded one for about a week but was so disheartened with the transactional nature of the beast that I just don’t bother with it.

I have also had to think about digital flirting for the first time. Now we all know that typing is harder to interpret than face to face contact, but navigating the nuances of abbreviations, emojis and Gifs has me baffled.

For a long time I wouldn’t even consider dating.

I’ve been hiding under my own rock for 6 months since everything went to tits, and using every excuse in the book to avoid intimacy. I’ve been really focused on getting my new home how I want it and making sure work knows that I can still do a good job even remotely

But these are just excuses. The thought of intimacy with someone filled me with dread. I mentioned the shorthand we had in my last relationship, but what I hadn’t realised was the controlling nature of that shorthand. My ex decided what sex we had, and when. He even convinced me that I wasn’t very good at sex. This is something that (from memory at least) wasn’t true and won’t be true in the future!!

I have come to the realisation that the sex we had wasn’t good. That doesn’t mean that the sex I have going forward, even with my new body, with all its interesting features, has to be the same. I remember a time when sex was Mind blowing and Im going to get there again.

I’ve also been considering what makes me tick when it comes to sex. And I’m realising that has changed too.

What I want these days is very different to what I wanted in my twenties. I may be physically different, with a body that has survived several more decades, but I am also attracted to different guys than I was way back then. I guess my taste in men has matured along with everything else.

What hasn’t changed is the importance of foreplay. (And I’m not talking physical here) Sex for me always starts in my head, it is this desire that sparks the physical in me. Flirting is that foreplay so if someone can get into my head and make me smile and laugh and feel attractive then we’re on to a good thing.

I also cannot stress enough the importance of snogging. A really mind blowing kiss, the type that makes you forget your own name, is the best way to make that happen for me, and sets the stage for the level of intimacy I enjoy.

So I guess what Im trying to say in my roundabout way is that Ive worked out that I wont settle anymore. Im looking forward to experiencing sex with less boundaries. I want mindblowing sex but Im not as concerned with defining what that is in the same way that I was before. Im also mature enough to be willing to wait for great sex, as I realise that for me, at least, that requires a connection.