Its all about control

It has taken me a while to write this blog post for a couple of reasons…

So here we go.

As the title suggests one thing I have found hard to come to terms with -and hadnt realised was happening – was how controlling my ex was. He decided everything from not just where we went “we have dogs so we cant go on holiday” to what music we listened to to when and how we had sex.

Now this wasnt overt control. In most instances it was subtle and done in context of things that would make him unhappy. Couple that with the fact that I have self worth issues meant I would do almost anything to keep him happy.

So much so that I cancelled trips, changed how and what I ate and even tried to organise work in a way that made my ex feel better. As things deteriorated however this became more overt. My ex started making demands and accusations which I hadnt realised were as overtly controlling as they were. Even to the point that I got so stressed having to go to a work offsite that I had a panic attack in my hotel room.

As things got to their absolute worst earlier in the year his controlling nature got to the point that I was allowed out of the house for 45 minutes to walk our dog – anything longer and I was meeting with someone. During that 45 minutes I received 2 facetimes to check that I was where I said I would be.

When he finally assaulted me and threw me out of our home I knew I had to NOT go back. But what I didnt realise was that control would continue.

He changed the locks. He tried multiple ways of contacting me to the point that I had to block social media. He refused to let me have my clothes, medication and eventually all of my things.

For 6 months I have been negotiating with mental health teams and a support worker with the police to try and safely get the rest of my stuff out of the house and as we got to the point where I felt we were actually going to get things resolved….

He changed his mind.

He has now said I can get my personal possessions as part of the divorce. knowing full well that he has agreed to me taking things previously he has dragged this out as another way of keeping control. Unfortunately the police say this is a civil matter and victim support arent able to offer any further help.

I realise now that this is ALL about control and I have decided that I am NOT going to be controlled by anyone ever again. I dont know how to fix the stuff with my ex – I am waiting to hear back from family and friends on just turning up – I have a legal right to enter my property and to my posessions. BUT….

This has spilled into my new life.

My mother wanted to collect something virtually straight away. When I asked her to give me an hour and a half to get ready (It was the first time hot neighbour had stayed over and I didnt want to rush having breakfast with him) she didnt listen and just turned up anyway.

On another occasion other members of my family were due to come over for lunch and spend the afternoon. Unfortunately they just turned up 3 hours early because they wanted to – even though I expressly asked them to give me time to get my place straight for my first mass of visitors

IN both instances I got irrationally angry and had to explain why I reacted the way I did to them. I had to explain that I am trying my hardest not to react badly to being controlled but that it gives me complete panic attacks and I want to run when I feel like that.

Its also spilled into my new relationship.

From previous posts you have all read how we arent having sex yet. I viewed his not wanting to have sex yet as another form of control. I couldnt see passed feeling like I was being told what I could and couldnt do and didnt see his own very real issues.

I am really lucky that hot neighbour cares and understands and has been absolutely incredible at understanding when I had a complete meltdown (even stopping mid cycle ride to talk me down for an hour).

It made me realise that I had lost some empathy and thankfully we were able to get passed that and get back on track. We have had lots of conversations and I realise that he isnt trying to control me – or do anything to upset me – he is just dealing with his own crap and thats ok.

So what am I trying to get at with this post?

Im not sure. I have sucessully made it out of controlling relationship and whilst Im by no means out of all the crap I can recognise control for what it is.

It is destructive and has left me with scars that I wont find easy to recover from.

I will however get through this and if you are going through something similar – even if you are just recognising it for what it is – please reach out and get help. I have been able to get some great support as mine was severe but PLEASE don’t be afraid to talk to family and friends.

If you are anything like me you got really good at covering up all the control and making out that you wanted to do all the things you were being told to do. This means that family and friends have no idea whats going on until you tell them.

I waited too long to tell them – dont be me, you are stronger than you think and life will get better. xx