Ive filed for Divorce

I cant believe that its been almost 6 months to the day since I last posted and I have absolutely no understanding why I had a complete block on posting to the blog.

Maybe I hoped if I didnt blog things were going ok

Maybe I hoped if I didnt write it down it didnt happen

Maybe I did what Im good at – popping my head in the sand and hoping things got better on their own.

So here I am, complete honesty time, putting the record straight on whats being going on the last 6 months…

Getting Divorced (part 1)

I filed for divorce as soon as the law changed. This means that the ex couldnt challenge the divorce and meant, in theory at least, the divorce part was straightforward. I was one of the first people to do this and I knew there would be teething problems but I didnt realise both how easy AND how challenging it would be.

Actually filling in the online form was shockingly simple. it was only when I got to the payment part that I realised I didnt have to give reasons and didnt have to dredge up the past and relive some of the stuff that I had been through.

I was told, like everyone else, that I would need to wait 28 days to respond and then I would be given instruction on how to progress if he didnt respond at that time.

Fast forward to almost 28 days and I get another email that there had been an error and documents hadnt been sent out and that I would have to wait another 28 days.

So I wait another 28 days – and then I get the email – he hasnt responded and im presented with several options.

Unfortunately the option open to my circumstances is pay for either a court bailiff OR a private delivery service to SERVE the notice to my ex. Its an annoying delay that could have been avoided IF i had known I would need to get the papers served to him in the first place.

Everything feels like a delay – I havent got money for the private service so I filled out the online forms – and am waiting another 28 days for a response. At least its only £45 and not over £300 for the private service.

Getting Divorced (part 2)

Once we have the first section of the divorce underway I then need to move onto the financial settlement. This is where things get complicated. I am a victim of domestic abuse and my ex has mental health issues. This means coming to an amicable settlement isnt an option right now (more of that later)

I have now spoken to 3 solicitors (each one costing me about £300) who have all confirmed that I need to get a settlement in place or my ex could come after me at any time for half of whats mine. They have each confirmed that this involves either using mediation (about 5k cost – that wont work) or getting solicitors involved which could cost up to £20k.

None of these options are financially viable right now so I literally didnt know what to do. My ex SIL actually suggested something called a McKenzie Friend that could assist with going through court so Im going to investigate that but it does mean I have no idea what Im doing and feeling really out of control again.

Ive got a support worker now

If you have been reading before you will know that I have so far walked out with just my clothes from the home I built with my ex over 16 years. It has meant starting again which Im fine with BUT there are personal items that I realised Im not prepared to live without. These are family photos and mementos built up over a lifetime, with only sentimental value and I wanted to work out a way to get them back.

I approached a support service in my new home town as I didnt feel supported by the victim support in Brighton. they were shocked that I hadnt been supported better in Brighton and are working with me to try and get me some access as well as further support.

One thing they suggested doing early on was getting a non molestation order in place to stop my ex from contacting me. initially I pushed back against this to begin with as I hadnt had much contact from my ex (the odd drunk call which I just ignored) but I realised that its something Im going to need to do now as things have changed.

My ex has started contacting me

On his birthday my ex got in touch with his ex best friend who is now in touch with me. She explained that he constantly bombarded her with calls and texts, blaming her for things, telling her she was fat, telling her he missed her, doing sceptic smeg (he says hes psychic) and trying to rebuild a relationship with her.

She lasted 24 hours

She called me to let me know what had happened and asked me how I coped for so long dealing with him like that. Just hearing the things he was saying to her and the bombarding of calls and texts actually sent me into a depression. We talked about it and I explained that it didnt start all at once and that over time you become desensitised to it. Hot neighbour was with me and was shocked at how much it had affected us both. Literally both of us said the same thing – the contact from him left us both feeling low.

And then he started contacting me…

I was at a work event that I was hosting and busy prepping when i got the first set of calls. his usual method is to call until he gets a response and then if he doesnt get a response he lives a rambling voicemail.

Unfortunately my phone is also our work phone – and he rings from withheld numbers which presents as a standard work call to me AND HE KNOWS THIS. He manages to get thorugh and asks me how could I have done this to him. I hang up.

He leaves messages throughout the day and these gradually increase in anger. Ive poisoned him, Ive ruined his life, Ive abandoned our dog, I’ve left him in the shit.

I’d love to say this was a one off BUT its started a pattern that has continued over the last month.

Yesterday he left messages that I was a coward, that I have given him cancer, that whatever I did to poison him didn’t show up in any tests but he KNOWS its me. He also attacked my family and said I would get what was coming to me.

And I broke!

I pulled away from life and hid in the gin palace, wanting life to go away and I ate junk food and binged crap telly. I pushed hot neighbour away and I am not sure how many times I can do that before he doesnt come back.

and I woke up this morning and nothing has changed. BUT I realised that the only person suffering at the moment is me – he is still winning if this is the case so i have to change. And so here I am back to blogging and im going to do it weekly until ive worked out these demons.

If you are going through this then know that it will get better – even if you dont believe it right now. I dont feel it right now but Im going to fake it till I make it.